PUBLISHED ON SECRETLABORATORY.COM ON JUNE 12, 2012 

Americans seem to have become obsessed with the idea of a zombie apocalypse.  Sure, there has been a couple of minute incidences that recently made it into the news of killing and dismembering as well as ripping flesh off with teeth, but that doesn’t make someone a zombie.

Luka Rocco Magnotta, the “Canadian Porn Star Killer” is clearly a psychopath and is not back from the dead. Let’s face it, he was Canadian, a b-list porn star and an ego freak who was found Googling himself in Berlin. Does that make him a zombie? No. These facts simply show that Magnotta was a crazy guy who probably should have been hugged more by his parents.

The Florida man, Rudy Eugene, was found ripping a homeless man’s face off while completely naked. In every zombie movie I have ever seen zombies wore clothes. Reports say that when Eugene was maced that he did not stop chewing and the mace seemed to “enrage” him. Has anyone ever reported being thrilled after being maced? Without a doubt surely the common consensus and reaction to a macing is rage. Although maced and shot, Eugene ignored attempts to qualm him and kept going. It is not because he is a zombie; it is because he was high on bath salts. Unless bath salts are confirmed to turn people into zombies, then they are simply high. There was no previous death certificate for Eugene, showing that he also was not the living dead. Hence, Eugene is not a zombie and is simply a drug-addict-turned-cannibal. If I were extremely hungry and high on these mystical magic potions, I might also think that someone looked like a hamburger or hot dog in the Bugs Bunny clip “Wakiki Wabbit”. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ZR0O8F4lsQ

To top it off, in response to these stories, the Center for Disease Control released a statement saying that, CDC does not know of a virus or condition that would reanimate the dead (or one that would present zombie-like symptoms),”said an agency spokesperson. Really? The CDC had to waste money, time and resources to release this? Come on, people.

This is not to say that I believe in zombies nor would I like to take opinion to whether I believe the zombie apocalypse is upon us or that it could ever happen. I am just setting the facts straight here. Do not construe insecure insanity or drug-induced cannibalism to be the sign of an oncoming zombie fest.

However, I will admit, the CDC releasing a statement makes me a little unsettled. Doesn’t every zombie movie start out with a government authority releasing a statement that “everything is fine”?